Beloved reader, happy belated tax day <3
For me, 2023 was a year of many 1099s. Like paging through an album of sem-repressed memories, each document I received connected me to a moment of a not-so-long-ago past.
Spotify’s 1099 conjured an image of myself finishing an acoustic set over Zoom to their employees, visible as tiny flickering squares on the screen. After what felt like a full minute of silence, I informed my interviewer that I had only been asked to play three songs, and I was given the okay for an abrupt exit.
The wedding DJ company’s 1099 whipped up memories of spinning (fake) vinyl for exceedingly wealthy people, and corporate events. Holding my tax document, I remembered the time my boss had forgotten to pack the control vinyl in my DJ kit. I didn’t notice until the following morning when I was setting up to DJ a post-wedding brunch on the terrace of a Cape Code mini-mansion (this family’s summer home), that looked onto their private beach below. With the fakest confidence, I pretended to spin vinyl that simply was not there. When it was time for me to pack up, I was stunned / amused / confused to be heaped with praise for my set, and even asked for a business card.
Many, many forms! Most too mundane or embarrassing to mention. But the final form from my final job of 2023 had yet to appear in my mailbox. The form from my micro-stint at the Sad Comedy Club.
What made the sad comedy club so sad? Hard to nail it down to one specific thing. We could start with the general “fuck this” attitude the staff rightfully had after being paid late so many times. Or we could start with what a mess the space itself was. What had once been a beautiful and classic wooden bar was now lit by white, cold overhead lights. The owner (let’s call him…Dani?) had hired an “artist friend” to make a concrete-looking backdrop for the comics, which would occasionally fall off the wall and onto a performer. The top of the bar was packed with days-old open bags of chips and candy for the staff, and because Dani had started leasing the space to the local Weight Watchers chapter, under the bar was a shelf with their name on it, stocked with tissue boxes. Whenever my eyes would float to this shelf I’d picture a woman dabbing at her eyes, and then bursting into tears because she’d been made to feel unworthy and unwanted. Wow, did I hate it in here.
I had been brought on to help clean up the club, get things organized. For instance, Dani had wanted to turn this room into a podcasting studio:
There were a lot of grand, half-baked ideas. In addition to building out a comedy podcasting studio (for no one in particular), Dani wanted me to help him start a health insurance fund for comedians. I was also there to execute his quick and costly ideas. Poker chips printed with club’s info (to be used as business cards). Personalized t-shirts and hoodies for the entire staff. An entire redo of the showroom’s lighting system. I would put in the time on these projects, researching how best to achieve his vision. But when it came time to sign off, he’d suddenly want to put a pause on the project. Instead of offering explanation, he’d make reference to an impending change in the club—but he’d tell me about that next week. Was he incredibly disorganized, extremely in debt, or both? I thought probably both, but as long as I was getting paid I could keep my nose to myself.
The comics didn’t make going in more fun. I love comedy, but comedians…I had thought that since I wouldn’t be working in the showroom, I would be protected from these people. But it turns out comedians love a bar. That Dani had missed payments on vendors enough times for the bar to be embarrassingly understocked didn’t deter them. The more I would be targeted by an off-stage yet still on-duty comedian for a laugh, the more my body would refuse. I became Tom Hanks in Catch Me If You Can. In fact, there has never been a period of time in my life when I have laughed so little than when I worked at the comedy club.
Yes, it was sad. Greg visited me at the club once. I had tried to warn him that it would be a bad time. But I didn’t want to like, fully warn him, because I still wanted him to visit—both for his company and for someone to bear witness. Before the visit he assured me that it didn’t matter, he always had a good time hanging out with me. Greg made it about twenty minutes before informing me that he needed to leave.
And I? I made it just a few weeks before informing the owner that I would also need to leave. The payments were a mess. Sometimes Dani would pay an invoice in full, but other times he’d pay only partially, and without making note. Whether or not the chaos was by design, it made it difficult to keep track of what the payments were for. After a very short time there, it took a lot of work for me to uncover that I had already been underpaid several hundred dollars.
This tax season, after weeks of chasing down a tax form from Dani that I knew in my heart did not exist, I finally demanded that he send me the money he’d claimed to withhold on my payroll, but had actually just pocketed for himself. Finally, after experiencing a rage I hadn’t come close to in years, Dani Zelle’d me my money.
Afterwards, I texted the club’s former bar manager to commiserate. She asked me if I had heard what happened after I left. No? The remaining staff had checked their numbers, and everyone was coming up short. She was owed five thousand dollars, another person had been owed seven thousand dollars. The employees went on strike, and Dani has since fled the location.
This year, I am standing up to silly nonsense, bad taste, bad jokes, bad bosses, and sprite-based cocktails.
May your returns be fat and your refunds be small, May
Bulletin ~*~*~*
☆ 4/23 - Jane Lai single release at Babies
☆ 4/24 - fantasy of a broken heart and Rebounder play Gonzos ~ you will see me singing along to every fantasy song
☆ 4/27 - Big Dumb Baby serenades Elsewhere
☆ 5/1 - Chanel Beads album release show for Your Day Will Come <3 It’s probably sold out by now? But try just in case!
☆ 5/17 - GRBGE GRL’s long-waited HORSEC*CK is out <3 <3
☆ I’ve got an album coming out next month? Yes, I do.
☆ Tarp Castle = new / best show around
☆ Nobody thought it was possible, but Mickey and Oleg get cuter and snugglier with each passing day
☆ If you’re out on the town and looking for some comedy, be sure not to miss Dani Zoldan’s Stand Up NY, now hosted in Times Square 🫶🏻